Stick your finger up this...

There are things in this world that have become norms that intrigue me... lots of things such as customs especially the Customs or boarder cops into our friendly neighbour USA. Gotta love these guys because of the power they weld. These guys have power, so much so I, who says what ever the fuck he wants to has to be careful of what I say because of there power. Thanks to 911 these "guys" and "Homeland Security" can do basically whatever the fuck they want. I could go into detail but everybody knows you just don't fuck with these guys.

So, I'm going to focus on just one of their powers... The power to put their hands in your ass..."Body Cavity Search"....
You know you have power when you can randomly search peoples asses.
But is that a power I would want to have?
Not really... You would have to pay me a lot more than these boarder cops are getting paid to put my hand up someone else's ass...A lot more, so they are probably attracting a certain small portion of the population that flunked out of ass doctor school. The study of asses at it's simplest.
This is so strange to me I'm just going to make a list of thoughts that come to mind about this whole body cavity ass search thing:

• Do they have to practice this?
• Is there a technique? and if so how long did it take to really prefect this?
• How long have they been doing this? I don't know? like 50 years...hopefully not before the invention of the rubber glove...If not, hopefully good deodorant soap was available...
• Did the Wright Brothers envision that one day large amounts of people would be able to fly long distances knowing there safety was reliant on the contents of everyones asses.
• They don't like to be called Ass Police if you were wondering...
• They must be looking for drugs because you would have to be on drugs to think that your ass was a good place to hide objects, comfortably, from border cops...
• But 911 wasn't about fear of illicit drugs, or even prescription drugs, into the USA...It was about weapons and bombs and nastiness(other than shit) coming into the country...
• I don't think the stereo typical Terrorist thinks to use his/hers(PC remember) ass as a location for a bomb(the middle-east is a pretty hot, sweaty, hairy, place to be as it is) .... Bombs have some what of size...You'd have to be pretty determined to put a grenade up your ass and pulling the pin would be the stuff of legion...
  
• What if they find stuff that's not illegal...like I don't know? an extra set of reading glasses...Will they put them back nicely with a nice courteous pat on the bum?
• If it was me I wouldn't use my ass at all. I'd use a seeing eye dog's bum as my back door boot. If it was drugs I nicely patted into Tuffy's bum the drug dogs would look like they were just getting a little friendly. If it was a revolutionary state of the art ass bomb the Ass Police wouldn't ever think to look up Tuffy's tush.(I have to be care what I say here if I don't want to be ass grabbed on the way to work tomorrow by Homeland Security)

• Have you ever tried to put something up your own ass beside a suppository let a lone up a seeing eye dog's ass...Let me tell you they don't like it as much as you would think....
  

I've got a lot more to say about this but I don't want to offend anyone. The ass can be a touchy subject. I tried to talk some of my neighbours into looking up their bums and they got all "anal" and prudish...like they were someone special. Well the joke on them cause I sent a letter to Homeland Security stating that they were a possible terrorist cell. Now it won't be a friendly neighbour looking up their asses but the "Ass Police"....

"All the stupid people are breeding"

I don't know if this is really a rant but information tool for driving.

Let's start as I always do with some plain facts:

• Yield means exactly what it says "yield to on coming traffic" not fucking stop and look for possible traffic some place out there but Yield. If a car comes stop. If a car doesn't come move your "mini van with the fucken lame ass stickers of your whole family, baby on board, free Tibet, my other car is Jesus's dick" ass...

• Merge- again very simple merge or get into traffic...IT DOES NOT EVER MEAN STOP!!!!! Speed up if you have to, and I do this a lot. (to the all the inbreds that think it means stop). All you have to do is get your car ahead of the other car and slid in, if you are in front of another driver (let's call them ass-holes to be simple) and the ass-hole hits you while your trying to "merge" it the ass-hole's fault [one hundred per cent]. I do this all the time and I've been driving for 21 years and never been hit doing this, "merging" manoeuvre. I have once or twice been honked at by the "mentally retarded"{for all you politically correctness Nazis, this is the proper use of the tern "mentally retarded"-to have less intelligence due to lack of brains, and an increase of shit between the ears}

• More merging-I think, and know, that if the good people, of this coastal city I live in, learned to merge properly we could cure Cancer,,,well maybe not that... but we could lessen Road Rage which is the major cause of brain Cancer, heart disease and stroke as far as I care.
  

Let's finish with a prayer to Ala (I like Ala for this rant because he endorses blowing people up when your pissed off)

Dear Ala, let all the people who don't know how to drive have their cars crushed and be given bus tickets.
Amen

p.s. If I kill myself in you name please don't give me 30 virgins. All the virgins I know are in grade four and ugly. I want some skanky whores that know how to get freaky. Do things my PG readers have never heard of. You know like Spelking and the "moon hummer" (which you do have to hum to, to make it really work...)

My last rant on food sucked

Rants are meant to piss people off and there is know one I'd like to piss off then "M".

So, hear goes....vegetarianism is for losers
I think I heard it said that "vegetarian is an old native word meaning, shitty hunter"
"If god didn't want us to eat animals he wouldn't have made them of meat"

A question always rises, should humans eat other animals? I say yes, in fact I really don't have a problem with human eating other humans but that's for another rant about our correction system.

Now I'm not going to get too technical or overly scientific... so cool your jets... I'm just going to point out some common facts. Such as vegetarians are freaks...
So here goes...
If we look at the animal kingdom and separate animals to what they eat, we come down to three basic categories: carnivores, herbivores and omnivores.

-Carnivores: eat meat.... nuff said

-Herbivores: eat plants.... for the most part... I know what your saying what else is there to say, but I'll come back to that...

-Omnivores e.g. Us: eat plants, animals, bugs, fungus-es and everything else

Most carnivores have teeth or beaks that are meant for killing and or tearing things apart. Two eyes on the front of their faces to judge distances of prey being whatever the fuck you want it to be.

Most herbivores have teeth or beaks that are meant for eating plants be it grass, seeds or wood yadda yadda yadda. They have two eye on the side of their head to be able to see almost everything that is going to eat them.

Side note: (Take a cow it looks like it gets it's "nutritional needs" from grass and water only. But, in fact it gets most of it nutrition from the digesting bacteria that live in it four stomachs that eat the fibre.... Funny enough bunnies and beavers don't have extra stomachs so they just eat there own shit to get their proper nutrition. Yummy...)
But we're not here to judge herbivores just fucked up vegetarians... I'm just saying we don't have multiple stomach or eat our own shit for the most part,,,

Back to us we have both kinds of teeth and eyes on the front of our heads, so we can get our food from plants and animals... bonus...

Lets look at some facts:

• meat is a great source of protein and tastes good.
• Tofu is a great source protein but tastes like crap unless you make it taste like meat.
• Most countries that eat meat are wealthy
  
• Most countries that are vegetarian are poor
• Most pot smoking hippies that don't bath or wear deodorant are vegetarians
• M is a vegetarian and is probably gay (which there is nothing wrong with except the veg eating)
• People who are vegetarian wear orange crocks for the most part and that is the start of another rant
• Lentil Stew looks like shit, tastes like shit, smells like shit and even feels like shit so we can conclude it's vegetarian shit...
• M wears a thong which is just wrong
• Japanese people speak Japanese
• People like Vampires... Every second movie out is about vampires and Vampires are not vegetarian in fact there are no new movies about vegetarians..... The only movie I can think of that is vegetarian in nature is Titanic.....nuff said
• In general people don't like M or Vegetarians
• M's mother is a want a be vegetarian... which poses the question which came first the vegetarian or the momma's boy....
• Vegetarian's don't live longer... I mean living without meat is not living
• Dirty Harry was not a vegetarian
• Most of the Back Street Boys are vegetarian.... I can't say all are because of the definition of meat hasn't been total confirmed for teen aged boys ass...
• As a Chef I have always worked some kind of meat into every vegetarian dish I have ever made....
• Tofu increases the hormone estrogen in males causing erectile dysfunction... I seriously am not making this up.....
• Vegetarianism can lead to the need to the wearing of clothes made by Lady Gagga...
• Rock climbing and vegetarianism have no correlation at all... M....
• Aids was not caused by the eating of raw monkey flesh...it was caused by the vegetarianism humping of monkey ass or flesh....
• The Holocaust was started by Nazi Vegetarians
• A cow would eat you the first chance it got
• Spock was a vegetarian and now are so many over thirty Trekies
  
• yadda yadda yadda
  

I have no more to say but M you are a loser for being a vegetarian and getting married in Hawaii...