25 things about me bullshit....

People have been sending me this facebook 25 things about me bullshit and I`ve been deleting it cause I think that I don't have 25 people to know all my close held secrets.... That is defiantly too small of a group, I want all the random rant bloggers to know.... So here it goes, but know this I`m not going to be held in by the 25 quota or limit.. And also know that none of this information is applicable, or what ever the legal term is, in court.
Secret #1
- Fuck you... I just wanted to get that clear
#2
-I am a cooking God.... and I am very shy about it
#3
-I have an extremely good sense of smell which has turned out to be a curse working in mental health.... Every time you think you've smelled the worst thing in the world some reality challenged brethren raises the bar.... This is fucked up but sadly true, I can tell if a girl is riding the cotton pony when she walks through the door or when a guy decided to use sunscreen to polish his early morning wood and not shower. Guilt has a very strong smell... Some smells are so strong that I have to brush my teeth...
#4
- I like Carpenter Songs... Please refer to #1
#5
-I have a list of movies, in writing, that I will never watch. Titanic is on the top of the list, and it seems to be the one that people get up in arms about.. News fucken flash the boat sank a 100 years ago, that's all I need to know...
#6
-I have been married and divorced twice... no surprise... honestly would you live with me??...
#7
-I email and hangout with my Lawyer...once again, no surprise... I think I"m putting her kid through med school..
#8
-I had a dog named Sport... I had him from age 8 till 19 and had to watch him die... I will never have another dog...
#9
-I have watched three people die and they haven't brought any kind of emotion out of me like Sport did... Probably no one ever will...
#10
- I can not be killed by conventional methods...I could expand on this but it would only bore me...
#11
-I believe Jesus is a paedophile, Prove me wrong people, prove me wrong...
#12
-I fear midgets, oh don't let their jolly fun dispositions lull you into a false sense of security. They're united and angry. I know what your thinking you could fight them off by grabbing one of them and using him as a angry object to club the onslaught, but it will be in vain cause they won't stop. They bite and hard, and when your down to their level you're done...This keeps me up most nights.
#13
-I drink... a lot.. that was probably obvious....
#14
-I hate the #14 which is also my birthday...
#15
-I think people with Coca Cola collections are big losers...
#16
-I truly hate Mr. Bean, not Rowan Atkinson but that fucking Mr. Bean. DIE! DIE! DIE! WORMS EATING YOUR EYES OUT!!!!
#17
-There is only one true Satan and that's that Big Ass Purple Dinosaur, BARNIE!!!
#18
-I'm heavily medicated, which is probably for the best...
#19
-I've spent so many days in the emergency ward the nurses know me by name and where a certain private mole is....
#20
-Whispering makes me agitated to the point of mental hospitalization...
#21
-I've been committed through the mental health act on three different occasions....
#22
-I'm not gay, I just really love rainbows and unicorns
#23
-I've wiped a 60 year old mans ass and got paid for it...
#24
-I have 37 first cousins... and I think all the stupid people are breading except the readers of this blog... sure that makes you feel better...
#25
-I'm not going to say who or what but you know I know something really bad about you.....


DONE!!!

2012 whoooo the end is coming

This is just a quick rant about these morons that think the world is going to come to an end in the year of your Lord, 2012.
First off why do "They" think the world will end that year?
Well as it has been told to me the most accurate calender ever made was from the Mayan civilization which happens to end conveniently on that year... or was it the year 2000? ( it didn't happen 2000 so in must be 2012)
Well after that reasoning I can really see why someone of the such great intellect would think so. I mean it was foretold by such a wise culture, although they had not yet invented the wheel or figured out how to forge iron or copper, they were fortune teller wise.
I'm not sure, I could be wrong about this but I think that the Mayan civilization has not been around for awhile? (I could probably look that up on Google or something, but who really has the time with the emanate worlds end)...
If they were so good a foretelling the future why didn't they see that the Spanish were going to come over and hand their asses to them on a plate for some gold. I mean that was pretty important don't you think, but what ever.
(Some fun trivia, the Mayans used to believe that having a deformed head was the greatest form of beauty. So much so that the royalty used to bind their children's heads to get that sexy bulging cone look..)
I've actually been told by university graduate the Mayans predicted 911. Ya, the world is full of geniuses. I think I won't get into 911 because it is such an emotional subject to our friend m. You know m's such a true patriot...
Anyways, I will bet anyone a cool million dollars out there. that is so sure the world going to end in 2012, that it doesn't happen. If it does happen to end they can hear me say "gosh darn it I was wrong I guess you win".
I am not writing this little rambling rant to my good friend m. I writing it to my better friend Jas Buddy... Hey Jas your a true loser... Eat a bag of shit ya wife beating paedophile.. And I'm still waiting for you to back up your threats....

I don't have a picture of Jas Buddy aka Hitler but this is a close resemblance ...

.

m your right I admit that my last rant was lame, so I'm going to rant about what you know best movies and the directors you love

Let me reiterate my sinecures apologies to all you hard core rant lovers, the last rant sucked...m pointed that out to me and when your wrong you should admit it and I do.
So saying that I going to rant on a subject that m. believes he is an expert on, and how I truly hate the directors he thinks are gods... Sorry m and all the sheep out there.
I hate M. Night Shyamalan, and every movie he's ever made. I could could go on about how Signs could possible be the worst movie ever to make to the Silver Screen but if you google Signs you will find thousands of jack offs that agree and have written on the subject. I'm here to say that his best movie or best acclaimed "the Six Sense" blows goat. I'm sorry but if you found yourself surprised by the "shocking ending" you weren't paying attention to the beginning of the movie where Bruce Willis took two shots to the chest with a thirty eight. It was a lame movie m, I'm sorry but if you have been seeing dead people since you were born they wouldn't bother you that much...(ooww.don't get me with your lame ghost powers...oh wait that's jack shit.. fuck off you chain dangling apparition)...
I know what your going to say "m" Mel Gibson was is the movie "Signs" there fore it must be good. Well news flash asshole Mel Gibson was only ever good in two movies "Mad Max" & "Road Warrior" and that's it. I know what your going to say, "but what about Brave Heart!!" Bite me asshole that was one of the longest battle fatigue movies out...The Scots were creaming there jeans after that movie, it had as much truth to it as Pinnocio or Beauty and the Beast. Mel Gibson was born in America and raised in Australia. He sucks as a Director, just look at the "Man without a Face", Hamlet (He had to be be about forty when he did that movie and Hamlet was in his teens), "The Passion of Christ" (If he wanted to show how much he hated Jews this was the movie).. m..I've always thought of you as a true intellect but what the fuck?
Now on to the other movies and directors you hold as gods..."Peter Jackson" the director behind the longest movies ever made even longer than the boring books.." Get on the fucking boat you hairy footed homo the movie over.... I'm not against the "gay movement" but at least Brokeback Mountain was honest to the public... Frodo and Sam couldn't be any gayer if they filmed the movie in a bath house... Why did you like this farce of a film m???
Maybe Peter Jackson only screwed up with Tolkens books??? But what the fuck was King Kong?? Don't even get me started with what was wrong with this cinematic blockbuster... Jesus Scandinavian Jesuses...
Now your going to say to me you've made fun of those director but you can't make of James Cameron, he made Titanic, a movie that took longer than the sinking of the real Titanic..But he also made the "Abyss". "Spiderman" and "10 000 BC", Cinematic gold.. m..WTF?
I know what your going to say m...What about Roland Emmerich... He made Independence Day, Universal Soldier, Godzilla...Fuck Off..Really that`s the only card you`ll pull...
I know at this point your getting mad..m.. so your bring out the the big guns of directors... Robert Zemecks....well eat a bag of shit...All the movies he made are fucked... Your saying Forest Gump is a master piece, well so is my morning coil. And what else has he made...Contact....For god sake,, Jodie Foster what happened... and when you put Matthew Micwhaterverafuck as a the spiritual guide the whole movie your in deep trouble...w He was good in that fucking 70s movie and that that`s it.. Now were ranting!!! I honestly don`t want to talk about Cast Away, Polar Express and Beowulf.. so I`m do done m.... I know your going to be mad at your so called movie gods but that`s that buddy... You wanted a rant and you got it...

Lead me not into temptation.. I can find it by myself

If I haven't said it to you bloggers before I'll say it again, It's never a good idea to think the court ordered psychiatrist is your friend.

In saying that I'm finally back to rant another day.

Let me think what should ramble randomly about?

Crappy Food

It's not that I think people will eat anything especially if it's put on an all you can eat buffet for $6.99 but it's your god's honest truth. People in general know jack about what good food is and proof of that is in the bottomless amount of crappy fast food joints on this bloated continent called North America.


Part 1

The Cheese Burger

Let's have a quick look at your average "fast food" burger, starting with the bun that is made some how without any kind of substance. There are about four or five simple carbohydrate strands holding this thing together, you can take it in your hand and squish it into something so small that all you have left is a half dry glob of Elmer's Glue. There is no fibre, vitamins, or minerals or anything useful except starch (which is the same starch used in keeping your shirts nice and stiff unlike the baker's, that invented this shitty piece of bread, flaccid dick)

But who really cares about the crappy bun, what people really like is the cheese. Though I think something that is called cheese is supposed to be made of milk of some kind of animal be it cow, goat or even certain domesticated cats, not 90% eatable wax?? That's right eatable wax? And what constitutes eatable when it comes to wax? How many orphans did they kill before they found the right wax. "Hey! this one's colon didn't rupture with in the first two weeks. I think we found our wax. All we have to do is colour it with some oil based paint, you know the kind that doesn't make you blind, and some of that healthy cheese flavouring and we're good to go.." Yummy

But if the cheese isn't food and neither is the bun then why is most of America a bunch of land manatees?

Why we can't forget the burger, you know 100% really meat of some sort. It sumptuously fried in hobo lard for that smoky flavour."No trans fats remember." Well not at first, it's just a mixture of different Saturated fats cook to the point of smoking which as you know makes them into trans fats and tastes divine, especially if your hammered drunk at 4:00 in the morning. (Maybe it's not just the booze that makes you puke the next day)
Now, I haven't talked about the special sauce or the disgruntled worker who do much more than just spit in your food (you should feel lucky if they only spit on your food, it means they like you and are probably not going to go postal on that day) because there is just too much to say.

Any who, this topic is one I'm going to revisit a lot more because there is just so many fun things to talk about but don't have anymore beer. So here we are..

And to all you people who think I drink to much please refer to the cartoon...

I do and don't forget it!!

Let's rant..
You know what really pisses me off, it's marriage, obvious of course. I am a bit of an expert, I've gone through it twice, and you can't really say you know marriage unless you've been married and divorced at least once. Just being married and not divorced only gives you half the story (what a revelation right...)
So the fact is I've been married and divorced twice...Why is that? Maybe, I have a twisted compulsion to get rid of half my stuff every seven years?.. maybe..is it that I've taken a lot of shots to my head in my life?... more likely.. is it because god hates me?..well that might be true if I wasn't a devout atheist who won't believe in god until I'm on my death bed which I'll do just to cover the odds...possibly..To really understand the whole subject it might be easier to understand first the reasons for me to get married and then the reasons for me getting divorced.

Why would anyone or more applicable, why would I get married? The first thought that crosses my heavily drugged and inebriated mind is I have no idea??? really... well that isn't that true.
Let's look at my first marriage...
I was of the ripe old age of 22 and in puppy dog love with said lady (puppy dog love is a nice way of saying I was young dumb and full of...let's say life)

Well my first wife schooled me good and how. She was only four years older than me but she was a lifetime older than me in experience. I got my ass served to me on a plate and I deserved it for being a fool...
That really didn't answer either question of why get married and why get divorced... So why did I get married... because I'm an idiot... simple.. Why get divorced? Because she left and took everything.. People used to ask, "how's your wife?" and I'd say, "she's dead..." then wait a minute and tell them that she was brutally killed in a car accident in which my cat "Ralph" was driving and was distracted by all my stuff getting in the way of his vision. It was gory and drawn out etc...
And from that point on my first ex. was known as "the car accident"...

My second marriage and divorce was much different... At that point in my life I thought I was much more savvy and worldly. When I first met her I told her I would never get married again and would be perfectly happy to just live together... Right...
After being together for four years, (the length of the car accident relationship...total) she felt envious of all her friends that were getting married and laid many hints, that she would like to be married too... (to this day she will deny that fact... but it's true) anyways this is my blog and I can say whatever I want. The fact still remains that I was an idiot again.... Fool me once...yadda yadda yadda... Fool me twice I'm still an idiot..
This marriage was going to be different... I'd ask her, I was more prepared, I still got my ass handed to me on a plate...
Like the marriage the divorce was different but the same... I was left in the mental hospital (which some say she put me there.... but that's not too fair, I've always needed to be hospitalized)
Things were different in this divorce, though I was left homeless, job less and sane-less etc.
Though, I wasn't going to get raped in the divorce so my family, not me, got me a good lawyer because I am an idiot and things got ugly. This time I didn't lose my cat and car but things got smashed up like a train wreck, (which is what my friends call my second divorce.... I personally feel the name lacks imagination, but you don't get to choose always... if I had the choice and I do I might call it "The Matrix II" man that movie sucked... but made some money) Needless to say me and the"train wreck" don't talk... she's really pissed she had to give up some money....
And why might you ask is she so pissed that she lost money... because she plan on leaving me a year in advance and things didn't go exactly as she planned.... Still I went from owning a home to renting....

Now that I've got two marriages and divorces under my belt you might ask if I will get married again. And the answer is obvious... yes because I'm an idiot... but no, not until I find a way to reconcile my need to get rid of my stuff and my need for a good alibi...

Funny enough M is getting married this year after I have show him the fallase my ways, but what can you do... Maybe he's an idiot like me.

I am Canadian

This one goes out to all the people in this Country that are living vicariously threw their past relatives and the so call history that they have had.

I'm really tired of people telling me of there heritage like it means anything. "I'm third generation Scottish on my father's side therefore I'm going to wear 'our' families tartan and get all emotional over movies like Brave Heart." They're so proud to be wearing a kilt that has all the colours and shit and they have no idea how fucked up we all are.
I'm going to speak to all the people that feel they have roots going back to the western European ancestral back ground. You know who you are.... Irish, English, Scottish... Scandinavian ...German, French, Italian etc...Okay Spaniards too... Fuck you Fernando.. Anyways.... The whole lot of you have been invading and raping and pillaging for thousands of years and made us a big pool of mutts.
Fact: everybody has come from Africa as far as we know; There is no such thing as racial purity; and Hitler was a Jew on his mothers side.
So don't believe in William Wallace... Believe in Glen Livote or just plain Vodka.... Like I do...

I think Christianity is a chain letter that got out of hand

You're probably expecting me to go and rant on religion, well not today. I'm actually going to rag on those fucking chain letter forwards people keep sending me in my e-mail.

Hey! stop already.. ya bastards.

Here's a cliche for you, "Superstition is the religion of fools", (Mark Twain said it probably)...

They usually go something like this, "I'm sending you love so that your days will always be gay, and if you don't send this to ten of your friends in two minutes you will burn in hell... :)" Well... thanks to your cheery e-mail I feel I'm in hell already, douche bag
.
And you know who you are, you spamming forwarding bastard. Eat a bag of shit!

I'm tired of this rant already, but I am in a better mood, so Ta Ta for now everyone.