Olympics? Why?

It's just two day away and the 2010 Olympics is underway...(that's starting to rhyme..fuck) Anyways, I have a lot to say and little time (my back is killing me, which makes me even more pissy than usual) So I think blurting out thoughts is the best way for me to convey my latest rant.

• Why? really? why the fuck does anyone care... about the Olympics I mean... I'm not talking about existentialism right now...
• Just because a country is willing to bankrupt them selves means they can host an Olympic Games.....-Vancouver has no business hosting a summer Olympic Games at best but a fucking Winter Games...Has no one noticed that it doesn't fucking snow in Vancouver 99% of the year..it rains and rains...but..but.. you say we'll use Whistler???-{Fact: Global warming has been in affect for like...I don't know 30 years} They're trucking snow in from 2hours away,,, which costs like$$$ which will not be made back in tourism or what ever...
• With all the distractions to day: emails, facebook, twitter, MSN, cheap crack, texting, the Ellen Degenerous(sp.) Show, UFC, manwers, Blogs of this stature, chia pets, staring at wall...Nobody, but the very fucked is going to be watching the Olympics except for Hockey and Figure Skating(male or female they have hot asses)...
• Luge??? I've never even met a person that even tried this sport and there is the even scarier two man luge???(if you didn't think luge was fucked..lets jump on with another guy..what makes me think the Swedes came up with this{I have no idea why the Swedes but it's true})...Oh ya, M loves Luge...nuff said..
  
• This is way out there but they busted a Canadian Snowboarder for smoking pot??? and this is supposed to have made him a better Athlete??The Olympics is defiantly fucked..any sport that you smoke pot in should give you a disadvantage..it never helps me with any of my rants...
• That last point wasn't to do with anything, but how fucked the Olympic is...
  
• They have spent over 6 billion dollars on this latest of Games and there is cut backs to all of health-care in this province...there is nothing funny about that....
• This last rant was written in under five minutes...
  

Stick your finger up this...

There are things in this world that have become norms that intrigue me... lots of things such as customs especially the Customs or boarder cops into our friendly neighbour USA. Gotta love these guys because of the power they weld. These guys have power, so much so I, who says what ever the fuck he wants to has to be careful of what I say because of there power. Thanks to 911 these "guys" and "Homeland Security" can do basically whatever the fuck they want. I could go into detail but everybody knows you just don't fuck with these guys.

So, I'm going to focus on just one of their powers... The power to put their hands in your ass..."Body Cavity Search"....
You know you have power when you can randomly search peoples asses.
But is that a power I would want to have?
Not really... You would have to pay me a lot more than these boarder cops are getting paid to put my hand up someone else's ass...A lot more, so they are probably attracting a certain small portion of the population that flunked out of ass doctor school. The study of asses at it's simplest.
This is so strange to me I'm just going to make a list of thoughts that come to mind about this whole body cavity ass search thing:

• Do they have to practice this?
• Is there a technique? and if so how long did it take to really prefect this?
• How long have they been doing this? I don't know? like 50 years...hopefully not before the invention of the rubber glove...If not, hopefully good deodorant soap was available...
• Did the Wright Brothers envision that one day large amounts of people would be able to fly long distances knowing there safety was reliant on the contents of everyones asses.
• They don't like to be called Ass Police if you were wondering...
• They must be looking for drugs because you would have to be on drugs to think that your ass was a good place to hide objects, comfortably, from border cops...
• But 911 wasn't about fear of illicit drugs, or even prescription drugs, into the USA...It was about weapons and bombs and nastiness(other than shit) coming into the country...
• I don't think the stereo typical Terrorist thinks to use his/hers(PC remember) ass as a location for a bomb(the middle-east is a pretty hot, sweaty, hairy, place to be as it is) .... Bombs have some what of size...You'd have to be pretty determined to put a grenade up your ass and pulling the pin would be the stuff of legion...
  
• What if they find stuff that's not illegal...like I don't know? an extra set of reading glasses...Will they put them back nicely with a nice courteous pat on the bum?
• If it was me I wouldn't use my ass at all. I'd use a seeing eye dog's bum as my back door boot. If it was drugs I nicely patted into Tuffy's bum the drug dogs would look like they were just getting a little friendly. If it was a revolutionary state of the art ass bomb the Ass Police wouldn't ever think to look up Tuffy's tush.(I have to be care what I say here if I don't want to be ass grabbed on the way to work tomorrow by Homeland Security)

• Have you ever tried to put something up your own ass beside a suppository let a lone up a seeing eye dog's ass...Let me tell you they don't like it as much as you would think....
  

I've got a lot more to say about this but I don't want to offend anyone. The ass can be a touchy subject. I tried to talk some of my neighbours into looking up their bums and they got all "anal" and prudish...like they were someone special. Well the joke on them cause I sent a letter to Homeland Security stating that they were a possible terrorist cell. Now it won't be a friendly neighbour looking up their asses but the "Ass Police"....

"All the stupid people are breeding"

I don't know if this is really a rant but information tool for driving.

Let's start as I always do with some plain facts:

• Yield means exactly what it says "yield to on coming traffic" not fucking stop and look for possible traffic some place out there but Yield. If a car comes stop. If a car doesn't come move your "mini van with the fucken lame ass stickers of your whole family, baby on board, free Tibet, my other car is Jesus's dick" ass...

• Merge- again very simple merge or get into traffic...IT DOES NOT EVER MEAN STOP!!!!! Speed up if you have to, and I do this a lot. (to the all the inbreds that think it means stop). All you have to do is get your car ahead of the other car and slid in, if you are in front of another driver (let's call them ass-holes to be simple) and the ass-hole hits you while your trying to "merge" it the ass-hole's fault [one hundred per cent]. I do this all the time and I've been driving for 21 years and never been hit doing this, "merging" manoeuvre. I have once or twice been honked at by the "mentally retarded"{for all you politically correctness Nazis, this is the proper use of the tern "mentally retarded"-to have less intelligence due to lack of brains, and an increase of shit between the ears}

• More merging-I think, and know, that if the good people, of this coastal city I live in, learned to merge properly we could cure Cancer,,,well maybe not that... but we could lessen Road Rage which is the major cause of brain Cancer, heart disease and stroke as far as I care.
  

Let's finish with a prayer to Ala (I like Ala for this rant because he endorses blowing people up when your pissed off)

Dear Ala, let all the people who don't know how to drive have their cars crushed and be given bus tickets.
Amen

p.s. If I kill myself in you name please don't give me 30 virgins. All the virgins I know are in grade four and ugly. I want some skanky whores that know how to get freaky. Do things my PG readers have never heard of. You know like Spelking and the "moon hummer" (which you do have to hum to, to make it really work...)

My last rant on food sucked

Rants are meant to piss people off and there is know one I'd like to piss off then "M".

So, hear goes....vegetarianism is for losers
I think I heard it said that "vegetarian is an old native word meaning, shitty hunter"
"If god didn't want us to eat animals he wouldn't have made them of meat"

A question always rises, should humans eat other animals? I say yes, in fact I really don't have a problem with human eating other humans but that's for another rant about our correction system.

Now I'm not going to get too technical or overly scientific... so cool your jets... I'm just going to point out some common facts. Such as vegetarians are freaks...
So here goes...
If we look at the animal kingdom and separate animals to what they eat, we come down to three basic categories: carnivores, herbivores and omnivores.

-Carnivores: eat meat.... nuff said

-Herbivores: eat plants.... for the most part... I know what your saying what else is there to say, but I'll come back to that...

-Omnivores e.g. Us: eat plants, animals, bugs, fungus-es and everything else

Most carnivores have teeth or beaks that are meant for killing and or tearing things apart. Two eyes on the front of their faces to judge distances of prey being whatever the fuck you want it to be.

Most herbivores have teeth or beaks that are meant for eating plants be it grass, seeds or wood yadda yadda yadda. They have two eye on the side of their head to be able to see almost everything that is going to eat them.

Side note: (Take a cow it looks like it gets it's "nutritional needs" from grass and water only. But, in fact it gets most of it nutrition from the digesting bacteria that live in it four stomachs that eat the fibre.... Funny enough bunnies and beavers don't have extra stomachs so they just eat there own shit to get their proper nutrition. Yummy...)
But we're not here to judge herbivores just fucked up vegetarians... I'm just saying we don't have multiple stomach or eat our own shit for the most part,,,

Back to us we have both kinds of teeth and eyes on the front of our heads, so we can get our food from plants and animals... bonus...

Lets look at some facts:

• meat is a great source of protein and tastes good.
• Tofu is a great source protein but tastes like crap unless you make it taste like meat.
• Most countries that eat meat are wealthy
  
• Most countries that are vegetarian are poor
• Most pot smoking hippies that don't bath or wear deodorant are vegetarians
• M is a vegetarian and is probably gay (which there is nothing wrong with except the veg eating)
• People who are vegetarian wear orange crocks for the most part and that is the start of another rant
• Lentil Stew looks like shit, tastes like shit, smells like shit and even feels like shit so we can conclude it's vegetarian shit...
• M wears a thong which is just wrong
• Japanese people speak Japanese
• People like Vampires... Every second movie out is about vampires and Vampires are not vegetarian in fact there are no new movies about vegetarians..... The only movie I can think of that is vegetarian in nature is Titanic.....nuff said
• In general people don't like M or Vegetarians
• M's mother is a want a be vegetarian... which poses the question which came first the vegetarian or the momma's boy....
• Vegetarian's don't live longer... I mean living without meat is not living
• Dirty Harry was not a vegetarian
• Most of the Back Street Boys are vegetarian.... I can't say all are because of the definition of meat hasn't been total confirmed for teen aged boys ass...
• As a Chef I have always worked some kind of meat into every vegetarian dish I have ever made....
• Tofu increases the hormone estrogen in males causing erectile dysfunction... I seriously am not making this up.....
• Vegetarianism can lead to the need to the wearing of clothes made by Lady Gagga...
• Rock climbing and vegetarianism have no correlation at all... M....
• Aids was not caused by the eating of raw monkey flesh...it was caused by the vegetarianism humping of monkey ass or flesh....
• The Holocaust was started by Nazi Vegetarians
• A cow would eat you the first chance it got
• Spock was a vegetarian and now are so many over thirty Trekies
  
• yadda yadda yadda
  

I have no more to say but M you are a loser for being a vegetarian and getting married in Hawaii...

It's been a long time.....

Once again I've taken a well earned vacation in one of our public mental health acute care facilities and been released a better and may I say, warmer human being. Though, this time no one tried to rape me, I guess I'm getting older...Dust in the wind and all that....

Well I'm back and with that my email was packed with get well and hang in there sediment. Well maybe not so much... cause really who likes a nut bar whiner.

Anyway, I got another 25 things about you email that my overly drug induced mind had to answer with the condition it was on my blog....


1. What time did you get up this morning?
-thanks to modern medicine I didn't...

2. How do you like your steak?
-still meowing and free...

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
-pass...your really going to get to know me by finding out which Hollywood cookie cutter flick I watched will give you insight into my mind, my soul, my love for chia pets...

4. What is your favorite TV show?
-pass again... there is nothing worth watching since Paula Abdul left American Idol.... I really miss that drugged up whore...

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
-In my house because that is where my stuff is...pretty stupid question....


6. What did you have for breakfast?
-I don't have breakfast it's against my devote devotion to pre-athiestism post-agnosticism....

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
-Since I cook for a living this question should be very deep and meaningful that is why I am not going to answer it because that is just the information they will need to finally commit me... I'm on to you I really am.

8. What foods do you dislike?
-Anything prepared by angry midgets

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
-up against a wall

10. Favorite dressing?
-refer to question 7.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
-is this some attempt to gauge the size of my penis? Because if it is it's damn cold in here...

12. What are your favorite clothes?
-First off favourite is spelled with a u in it... We're in Canada damn it! Oh and it's my pink jumper with the unicorn and rainbows on it... What! a straight guy can like jumpers...

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
-So, you'd like to know my whereabouts eh? Think I would slip up eh? Well if you think I'm going to pay for those jazzerise classes you have another thing coming..

14. How many children do you want?
-Now there is a good question...humm... The sweat shop business is quite competitive, so I'd say around 2000ish... I don't really have time to crunch the numbers...

15. Where would you want to retire?
-There is no retirement for the wicked or unemployed...

16. Favourite time of day?
-Oprah....we only have one more year....the horror....

17. Where were you born?
-in a stable, next to a manager, because there was no room in the inn....

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
-There you go again without the u... Death sport better known as Luge...

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
-hopefully everyone

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
-someone with a death wish...

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
-if I haven't said so fuck you....

22. Bird watcher?
-really...I mean really?? what the fuck? Who do you think you are jack off? You just go straight for the jugular with that one...no, no, no, no ya sick bastard...

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
-I'm a human-being you heartless bastard...with feelings you will never understand...

24. Do you have any pets?
-Yes..okay... yes, a fish called Lance Armstrong okay... read your way into that I dare you...

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
-the answer was cheese doodle....you know?

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
-dead... thanks for the flash back....you son-of-a-bitch!

27. What is the one thing you regret most since high school?
-yes there is... I could have had a V8....and vodka

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
-I'm not much for ethnic food, but if I have to answer (and I don't) I'd say cats... no wait... I forgot what I was going to say...

29. Are you married?
-maybe if I had any memory of the last six months...

30. Always wear your seat belt?
-They usually keep me pretty well strapped to the gurney...

And that's that now maybe I can get back to ranting...

25 things about me bullshit....

People have been sending me this facebook 25 things about me bullshit and I`ve been deleting it cause I think that I don't have 25 people to know all my close held secrets.... That is defiantly too small of a group, I want all the random rant bloggers to know.... So here it goes, but know this I`m not going to be held in by the 25 quota or limit.. And also know that none of this information is applicable, or what ever the legal term is, in court.
Secret #1
- Fuck you... I just wanted to get that clear
#2
-I am a cooking God.... and I am very shy about it
#3
-I have an extremely good sense of smell which has turned out to be a curse working in mental health.... Every time you think you've smelled the worst thing in the world some reality challenged brethren raises the bar.... This is fucked up but sadly true, I can tell if a girl is riding the cotton pony when she walks through the door or when a guy decided to use sunscreen to polish his early morning wood and not shower. Guilt has a very strong smell... Some smells are so strong that I have to brush my teeth...
#4
- I like Carpenter Songs... Please refer to #1
#5
-I have a list of movies, in writing, that I will never watch. Titanic is on the top of the list, and it seems to be the one that people get up in arms about.. News fucken flash the boat sank a 100 years ago, that's all I need to know...
#6
-I have been married and divorced twice... no surprise... honestly would you live with me??...
#7
-I email and hangout with my Lawyer...once again, no surprise... I think I"m putting her kid through med school..
#8
-I had a dog named Sport... I had him from age 8 till 19 and had to watch him die... I will never have another dog...
#9
-I have watched three people die and they haven't brought any kind of emotion out of me like Sport did... Probably no one ever will...
#10
- I can not be killed by conventional methods...I could expand on this but it would only bore me...
#11
-I believe Jesus is a paedophile, Prove me wrong people, prove me wrong...
#12
-I fear midgets, oh don't let their jolly fun dispositions lull you into a false sense of security. They're united and angry. I know what your thinking you could fight them off by grabbing one of them and using him as a angry object to club the onslaught, but it will be in vain cause they won't stop. They bite and hard, and when your down to their level you're done...This keeps me up most nights.
#13
-I drink... a lot.. that was probably obvious....
#14
-I hate the #14 which is also my birthday...
#15
-I think people with Coca Cola collections are big losers...
#16
-I truly hate Mr. Bean, not Rowan Atkinson but that fucking Mr. Bean. DIE! DIE! DIE! WORMS EATING YOUR EYES OUT!!!!
#17
-There is only one true Satan and that's that Big Ass Purple Dinosaur, BARNIE!!!
#18
-I'm heavily medicated, which is probably for the best...
#19
-I've spent so many days in the emergency ward the nurses know me by name and where a certain private mole is....
#20
-Whispering makes me agitated to the point of mental hospitalization...
#21
-I've been committed through the mental health act on three different occasions....
#22
-I'm not gay, I just really love rainbows and unicorns
#23
-I've wiped a 60 year old mans ass and got paid for it...
#24
-I have 37 first cousins... and I think all the stupid people are breading except the readers of this blog... sure that makes you feel better...
#25
-I'm not going to say who or what but you know I know something really bad about you.....


DONE!!!

2012 whoooo the end is coming

This is just a quick rant about these morons that think the world is going to come to an end in the year of your Lord, 2012.
First off why do "They" think the world will end that year?
Well as it has been told to me the most accurate calender ever made was from the Mayan civilization which happens to end conveniently on that year... or was it the year 2000? ( it didn't happen 2000 so in must be 2012)
Well after that reasoning I can really see why someone of the such great intellect would think so. I mean it was foretold by such a wise culture, although they had not yet invented the wheel or figured out how to forge iron or copper, they were fortune teller wise.
I'm not sure, I could be wrong about this but I think that the Mayan civilization has not been around for awhile? (I could probably look that up on Google or something, but who really has the time with the emanate worlds end)...
If they were so good a foretelling the future why didn't they see that the Spanish were going to come over and hand their asses to them on a plate for some gold. I mean that was pretty important don't you think, but what ever.
(Some fun trivia, the Mayans used to believe that having a deformed head was the greatest form of beauty. So much so that the royalty used to bind their children's heads to get that sexy bulging cone look..)
I've actually been told by university graduate the Mayans predicted 911. Ya, the world is full of geniuses. I think I won't get into 911 because it is such an emotional subject to our friend m. You know m's such a true patriot...
Anyways, I will bet anyone a cool million dollars out there. that is so sure the world going to end in 2012, that it doesn't happen. If it does happen to end they can hear me say "gosh darn it I was wrong I guess you win".
I am not writing this little rambling rant to my good friend m. I writing it to my better friend Jas Buddy... Hey Jas your a true loser... Eat a bag of shit ya wife beating paedophile.. And I'm still waiting for you to back up your threats....

I don't have a picture of Jas Buddy aka Hitler but this is a close resemblance ...

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