I do and don't forget it!!

Let's rant..
You know what really pisses me off, it's marriage, obvious of course. I am a bit of an expert, I've gone through it twice, and you can't really say you know marriage unless you've been married and divorced at least once. Just being married and not divorced only gives you half the story (what a revelation right...)
So the fact is I've been married and divorced twice...Why is that? Maybe, I have a twisted compulsion to get rid of half my stuff every seven years?.. maybe..is it that I've taken a lot of shots to my head in my life?... more likely.. is it because god hates me?..well that might be true if I wasn't a devout atheist who won't believe in god until I'm on my death bed which I'll do just to cover the odds...possibly..To really understand the whole subject it might be easier to understand first the reasons for me to get married and then the reasons for me getting divorced.

Why would anyone or more applicable, why would I get married? The first thought that crosses my heavily drugged and inebriated mind is I have no idea??? really... well that isn't that true.
Let's look at my first marriage...
I was of the ripe old age of 22 and in puppy dog love with said lady (puppy dog love is a nice way of saying I was young dumb and full of...let's say life)

Well my first wife schooled me good and how. She was only four years older than me but she was a lifetime older than me in experience. I got my ass served to me on a plate and I deserved it for being a fool...
That really didn't answer either question of why get married and why get divorced... So why did I get married... because I'm an idiot... simple.. Why get divorced? Because she left and took everything.. People used to ask, "how's your wife?" and I'd say, "she's dead..." then wait a minute and tell them that she was brutally killed in a car accident in which my cat "Ralph" was driving and was distracted by all my stuff getting in the way of his vision. It was gory and drawn out etc...
And from that point on my first ex. was known as "the car accident"...

My second marriage and divorce was much different... At that point in my life I thought I was much more savvy and worldly. When I first met her I told her I would never get married again and would be perfectly happy to just live together... Right...
After being together for four years, (the length of the car accident relationship...total) she felt envious of all her friends that were getting married and laid many hints, that she would like to be married too... (to this day she will deny that fact... but it's true) anyways this is my blog and I can say whatever I want. The fact still remains that I was an idiot again.... Fool me once...yadda yadda yadda... Fool me twice I'm still an idiot..
This marriage was going to be different... I'd ask her, I was more prepared, I still got my ass handed to me on a plate...
Like the marriage the divorce was different but the same... I was left in the mental hospital (which some say she put me there.... but that's not too fair, I've always needed to be hospitalized)
Things were different in this divorce, though I was left homeless, job less and sane-less etc.
Though, I wasn't going to get raped in the divorce so my family, not me, got me a good lawyer because I am an idiot and things got ugly. This time I didn't lose my cat and car but things got smashed up like a train wreck, (which is what my friends call my second divorce.... I personally feel the name lacks imagination, but you don't get to choose always... if I had the choice and I do I might call it "The Matrix II" man that movie sucked... but made some money) Needless to say me and the"train wreck" don't talk... she's really pissed she had to give up some money....
And why might you ask is she so pissed that she lost money... because she plan on leaving me a year in advance and things didn't go exactly as she planned.... Still I went from owning a home to renting....

Now that I've got two marriages and divorces under my belt you might ask if I will get married again. And the answer is obvious... yes because I'm an idiot... but no, not until I find a way to reconcile my need to get rid of my stuff and my need for a good alibi...

Funny enough M is getting married this year after I have show him the fallase my ways, but what can you do... Maybe he's an idiot like me.

I am Canadian

This one goes out to all the people in this Country that are living vicariously threw their past relatives and the so call history that they have had.

I'm really tired of people telling me of there heritage like it means anything. "I'm third generation Scottish on my father's side therefore I'm going to wear 'our' families tartan and get all emotional over movies like Brave Heart." They're so proud to be wearing a kilt that has all the colours and shit and they have no idea how fucked up we all are.
I'm going to speak to all the people that feel they have roots going back to the western European ancestral back ground. You know who you are.... Irish, English, Scottish... Scandinavian ...German, French, Italian etc...Okay Spaniards too... Fuck you Fernando.. Anyways.... The whole lot of you have been invading and raping and pillaging for thousands of years and made us a big pool of mutts.
Fact: everybody has come from Africa as far as we know; There is no such thing as racial purity; and Hitler was a Jew on his mothers side.
So don't believe in William Wallace... Believe in Glen Livote or just plain Vodka.... Like I do...

I think Christianity is a chain letter that got out of hand

You're probably expecting me to go and rant on religion, well not today. I'm actually going to rag on those fucking chain letter forwards people keep sending me in my e-mail.

Hey! stop already.. ya bastards.

Here's a cliche for you, "Superstition is the religion of fools", (Mark Twain said it probably)...

They usually go something like this, "I'm sending you love so that your days will always be gay, and if you don't send this to ten of your friends in two minutes you will burn in hell... :)" Well... thanks to your cheery e-mail I feel I'm in hell already, douche bag
.
And you know who you are, you spamming forwarding bastard. Eat a bag of shit!

I'm tired of this rant already, but I am in a better mood, so Ta Ta for now everyone.

Valentine's Day Rant

I know what some people are thinking, here we go with another Valentine's Day bitch-fest, ya it's true but this is my page to rant on and that's what I do, so you can kiss my milky white ass.
Let me start with one major fact about why I loathe Valentine's Day... it happens to fall on my birthday. Which of course sucks because not only do I get to celebrate another click on the old odometer of life, but I have to go out and buy some overly expensive dead flowers, (that people usually put on their love ones grave 364 days year other than February 14th), buy shitty cinnamon hearts, waxy chocolate, chalky candies and cheesy "Hallmark" cards (that make you want to brush your teeth after reading them) Happy Frecken Birthday to me.
That is of course if I'm in a relationship of some kind, which I usually am not because I find being single from Christmas to Valentines day can save you around twenty bucks... You young readers out there should take that lesson to heart in these financially uncertain times.
So being that this special holiday is on my birthday I did some research on the subject. (by the way any day that you don't get off work should not be allowed to be called a holiday, cheap bastards.. even Bob Cratchet with his cripple for an offspring couldn't get this so called holiday off..) Anyways, back to my five minutes of research on the subject... Valentine's day has nothing to do with what we call the "holiday". First of all there are a SWAK of saints with last name Valentine and non of them did anything that special to have a "holiday" name after them. In fact the only thing one of them did was die on February 14th..Ya... lets all celebrate... Even the Roman Catholic Church doesn't look at the day as holy anymore, and they'll do anything to get the cult, I mean followers to come to church and through some "righteous bucks" into the collection plate.

Yet, there have been some folk lore stories around, that have given us this bastardised holiday tradition. One is where a Saint Valentine was thrown in to jail for being a Catholic priest (and not for being a pedophile... oh wait that's the same thing) and wrote letters to his followers to keep the faith... how noble. That's where we are supposed to have got the whole hallmark thing. And then of course, and this is my favorite, some guy?? who was dumped by his girlfriend on Vday decided to show her how much he loved her by cutting out his own heart and sending it to her, still beating I might add..(Pack your bags we're going on a guilt trip..) Isn't that lovely, why what a nice way to show how much you love somebody, by sending them a heart.
I could go on about the stupid traditions but honestly you really don't want to know how we got those crappy chalky candies and how they are made....lets just say there was allot people cooked in the Holocaust after the WWII.
If I was to rate the crappiest Holiday of the year, my vote would be Valentine's Day. Let's look at the others contenders: Every one's favorite Christmas, you get presents, turkey and to watch your dad pass out drunk under a tree; Easter, you get chocolate, ham and get to watch your dad pass out on top of a cheap stuffed bunny; Labour Day, you get the day off nuff said; Thanksgiving, you get turkey, football and get to watch your dad tell your sister she's getting more than him; Halloween; you get to watch your dad puke into some panhandling kid's candy bag; etc. etc. And what do you get on Valentine's Day, if your a kid you get to show the unpopular kids that you are not attracted them, both hetero and homosexually with little shitty heart shaped love notes. If your an adult you either have yet another day to remind you that you are going to die alone and no one will notice, not until your cable bill is three months over due and your loving pet Chihuahua has eaten most of your dead carcase. Or, on the other hand, you can be in a relationship where no matter what you get for your lovey they are not going to be happy with it because your kiss-ass brother-in law has bought his better half something worth more than your car. But, but.. you could be lucky and have a partner that doesn't want anything for Valentine's Day, they think it's cooperate and shallow... (What ever you do don't buy into that Hannis lie, cause if you do you're going to giving yourself hand-jobs with sunscreen in your car to the Sears Catalogue lingerie section for at least six months).
Here's a fact from my friendly neighbourhood coroner, February is the month that more people die in than any other month, even though it's the shortest.. Winter finally gets to you when you're getting on.... Yes, more people do commit suicide through the Christmas Season, but the most suicides in one day of the year goes to Feb 14. I got this fact when I was stopping by his place for a cold one, awhile back.
Happy Birthday you ranting bastard...