Valentine's Day Rant

I know what some people are thinking, here we go with another Valentine's Day bitch-fest, ya it's true but this is my page to rant on and that's what I do, so you can kiss my milky white ass.
Let me start with one major fact about why I loathe Valentine's Day... it happens to fall on my birthday. Which of course sucks because not only do I get to celebrate another click on the old odometer of life, but I have to go out and buy some overly expensive dead flowers, (that people usually put on their love ones grave 364 days year other than February 14th), buy shitty cinnamon hearts, waxy chocolate, chalky candies and cheesy "Hallmark" cards (that make you want to brush your teeth after reading them) Happy Frecken Birthday to me.
That is of course if I'm in a relationship of some kind, which I usually am not because I find being single from Christmas to Valentines day can save you around twenty bucks... You young readers out there should take that lesson to heart in these financially uncertain times.
So being that this special holiday is on my birthday I did some research on the subject. (by the way any day that you don't get off work should not be allowed to be called a holiday, cheap bastards.. even Bob Cratchet with his cripple for an offspring couldn't get this so called holiday off..) Anyways, back to my five minutes of research on the subject... Valentine's day has nothing to do with what we call the "holiday". First of all there are a SWAK of saints with last name Valentine and non of them did anything that special to have a "holiday" name after them. In fact the only thing one of them did was die on February 14th..Ya... lets all celebrate... Even the Roman Catholic Church doesn't look at the day as holy anymore, and they'll do anything to get the cult, I mean followers to come to church and through some "righteous bucks" into the collection plate.

Yet, there have been some folk lore stories around, that have given us this bastardised holiday tradition. One is where a Saint Valentine was thrown in to jail for being a Catholic priest (and not for being a pedophile... oh wait that's the same thing) and wrote letters to his followers to keep the faith... how noble. That's where we are supposed to have got the whole hallmark thing. And then of course, and this is my favorite, some guy?? who was dumped by his girlfriend on Vday decided to show her how much he loved her by cutting out his own heart and sending it to her, still beating I might add..(Pack your bags we're going on a guilt trip..) Isn't that lovely, why what a nice way to show how much you love somebody, by sending them a heart.
I could go on about the stupid traditions but honestly you really don't want to know how we got those crappy chalky candies and how they are made....lets just say there was allot people cooked in the Holocaust after the WWII.
If I was to rate the crappiest Holiday of the year, my vote would be Valentine's Day. Let's look at the others contenders: Every one's favorite Christmas, you get presents, turkey and to watch your dad pass out drunk under a tree; Easter, you get chocolate, ham and get to watch your dad pass out on top of a cheap stuffed bunny; Labour Day, you get the day off nuff said; Thanksgiving, you get turkey, football and get to watch your dad tell your sister she's getting more than him; Halloween; you get to watch your dad puke into some panhandling kid's candy bag; etc. etc. And what do you get on Valentine's Day, if your a kid you get to show the unpopular kids that you are not attracted them, both hetero and homosexually with little shitty heart shaped love notes. If your an adult you either have yet another day to remind you that you are going to die alone and no one will notice, not until your cable bill is three months over due and your loving pet Chihuahua has eaten most of your dead carcase. Or, on the other hand, you can be in a relationship where no matter what you get for your lovey they are not going to be happy with it because your kiss-ass brother-in law has bought his better half something worth more than your car. But, but.. you could be lucky and have a partner that doesn't want anything for Valentine's Day, they think it's cooperate and shallow... (What ever you do don't buy into that Hannis lie, cause if you do you're going to giving yourself hand-jobs with sunscreen in your car to the Sears Catalogue lingerie section for at least six months).
Here's a fact from my friendly neighbourhood coroner, February is the month that more people die in than any other month, even though it's the shortest.. Winter finally gets to you when you're getting on.... Yes, more people do commit suicide through the Christmas Season, but the most suicides in one day of the year goes to Feb 14. I got this fact when I was stopping by his place for a cold one, awhile back.
Happy Birthday you ranting bastard...